unadulterated innocence

o how the earth smells after the first monsoon shower..

how the eye opens at the sound of the morning namaaz
or when i wake up coz of the first rays of light shimmerin on my face
when a nightmare ends by mom caressing my forehead
when mom unexpectedly comes and gives a bear hug

when i smile at a baby and he pouts back
when im teasin my infant cousin and playin with her..she suddenly decides to pee on my new skirt

when an old forgotten friend randomly decides to call up

when our hands brush against each other and i get goosebumps
when im on d first bench and u on d last and i turn around to find u lookin at me
when you put an arm around my chair in d canteen and it makes me blush
when i find myself compulsively blabbering about u

when after 10 days of ego fights my brother comes and hesitantly asks me if i wanna play cricket
how when we get together and recount those pranks...how for once we got together and planned on how to clear the pieces of the broken TV screen and shared a secret instead of playing the blame game
how i remember u lookin funnier than a clown after breaking ur molars that made a v shape in your teeth that made ur smile look a 1000 times more adorable
how after every year i tie a rakhi on ur wrist and mom's eyes well up with tears..
how u get pissed if ur rakhi is not bigger, better and more expensive than the rakhis bought for cousins
when on rare occasions dad supports my pt of view over yours..
how dad carried me everywhere on his shoulders when i was small

how when i was 5 i jus cried and hid behind usha ma'ams dupatta on her farewell day

how friends eatin my tiffin made me happy coz they said mom cooked amazing food

how i'd ride at full speed and feel ecstatic about covering 3 kms in 3 mins
how i finally learnt how to ride the very day dad said i couldn't learn

how my cousin and i were best friends..how she'd tell me i liked too many guys
how we'd deck up to go for a 15 min drive in that hip part of town
how i'd keep tellin her that her boyfriend was the hottest guy i ever met..how i played cupid all the time...

how i hated when my grandma's old ancestral bungalow was dismantled and turned into a modern lookin house..
how i can jus now in my mind imagine those verandas where we played and fought and patched up and grew up..how we longed for vacations to go to that house with dozens of cousins and uncles and aunts and that variety of pickles ..those evening teas...that senior cousins v juniors cousins rivalry ..those eavesdroppin sessions on elders pvt conversations..that makin phone calls to each other from adjacent rooms

how things that never seemed to last long...how moments that seem to jus pass by later come back and make the most beautiful memories that warm up the heart.

frozen in fear

Letting go of somethin that i always wanted



security scares me
and love even more
i have lived with battles of the mind and
incessant fights with the cruel world
now when am free and found myself
am scared of peace
of losing it
wasn't ever this submerged in the ragin storms ,then why does silence seem to drown all hopes?
while fightin i got so immersed in it that i forgot wot i was fighting for
wen the goal is in sight why do i turn back to the roads left behind
lost in transit ive stopped movin on
no road seems to be the one to take
when finally sanity is right there
why doesnt madness give up on me
whats with immobility
why cant i move
why is the freedom so stifling
why do i yearn for the binding chains
why does the evil seem less frightening than the good i searched for
why's the last step to the glory the one that seems the longest
why wouldn't time be kind to me and
why wouldn't weightlessness carry me to the safe abode
i made the ceaseless journey on my own then why seek support at the last stop
why wouldnt the goal move jus one step to prove that its not been futile and all this way i was moving in the right direction
o why wouldn't light and faith find me
and carry me to that bful dream while i want to now fall fast asleep

a small desire

hold me and not let go
hide me from the pain that seems to encompass all that's around
guide me through these dark tunnels
lead me out of the chaos that i created
don listen to me
don let me shy away
don fall for my pretenses
look beyond the disguise
i havent been hiding much
showin the darker sides so u know wots in store
don make me pay for being scared
hiding behind the strong veil
i hope u can see through complete darkness
that a light so faint waits for u

those strangers we thought we knew..!

There are times when u meet perfect strangers(from d opp sex) and find them being enormously similar to u and then the conversations almost always end in
day 1 "hey we have the same taste in music" .(followed by a hug)

day 2 "hey we have the same taste in books". (followed by a raised eyebrow look of admiration and approval)

day 3 " hey our opinions are also the same on most subjects".(After that statement comes a long gaze tht transforms into a crush) ..

o thank god the crush thing came in..i was beginning to feel u were twins who got separated in some kumbh mela, while your conversation on day 4 ended with the most important discovery that the two of you also have similar backgrounds( ur mind SCREAMIN hurrayY!! Now we can think marriage..lol)..(I say most likely the family backgrounds are similar bcoz we Indians have this amazin habit of sayin," o wow..!!..my family or my background is exactly the same as yours ! "....In wot sense the background is similar could vary from the caste being d same.. the native place being the same to the no. of family members being the same..the educational status or the financial status being the same...that's why most likely!..considering a million standards of judging similarity I'm sure we're all part of one big family.)

BUT could u jus be finding similarities to justify that instant chemistry?

after spending a considerable amount of time with them u realise u weren't that similar after all or may be the similarities jus dint matter that much..the interests are all still similar or same..choice of books..the music..the shows and the movies and the fact that both of u admire similar qualities in people.... but now the DIFFERENCES which are definitely smaller but finer and also more important begin to make their presence felt..(and that feels like a big deal coz its accompanied by lesser reasons to hug or hold hands or hold a gaze and lesser emotional and physical proximity gives a lot of time to the empty idol mind to imagine a disaster or a major mistake of misjudging someone) .. and here comes the blame game..

they told u they liked a mess..but they dint tell u they dislilked or detested anything unclean.

they might love watching movies but prefer moot research to movies..

they told u they loved being with friends but dint tell u they jus loved privacy or spending time with family a lil more

they might admire the same qualities in people that u do but for reasons entirely different from ur own.

after realising these differences or more importantly after realising that they are not so similar to you after all..what do u do?

stop being friends?start hating them?think it was a mistake?don't think about it at all?compromise?create a big mess so that they compromise?keep believing they'll finally start being like u?

or may be u just create or accept the inevitable distance that arises out of this realisation and don lose the trust and respect that u had for them coz at the end of the day u don't go and meet people and make friends on the condition that they'll all be ur alter egos in some way or the other..

u did like them..spend time with them.. so don't regret and don't lose faith in your choices and your actions and don't lose respect for them.

respect individuality and don expect them to understand you and your mental process let alone act and react to similar situations in a way u do

affection..lust....fun...companionship..chemistry..and even friendship and love can almost always last forever and be recreated in almost no time if only the foundation was built of faith in your actions and unwavering and undulating respect for them as individuals

aha..!so my mind's doin it again..

o yea i did it...i did push u away...know things wouldn't be the same but i did warn u...honesty lol thats my policy and u did get the point of me wanting to drive u away....
so why dint u stop me?
why couldnt u stop me?
why would u not want to stop me ??or is it wot u also wanted in d first place?
its not ego..oh wot a misunderstanding..wot a shame to let something so potentially beautiful jus go away lik this .....o was this also meant to be one of those brief stints?
o why?why would you not know wot i meant and how i felt or how i jus wanted to feel
was easy for u to say that i like being hurt...not sayin i dont or may be i do want to get hurt coz i know now that its foolish to expect such joy n pleasure without expectin or feelin pain
so why wait?
inflict it upon urself and then move on to feel the happy things coz those are things u pay for..i jus choose to pay first
am i takin too much in my hands?? would pain come back and haunt me even though i did pay first??
is it jus a childs nightmare or do all good things actually begin and end in pain?
tryin to stay at d fulcrum and not swing back and forth..avoidin d highs and lows coz both i cant stand..or may be the attraction to extremes makes me create my own..there are highs and lows which are created by time and some of them are created by self?? coz i do like extremes or are my self created ups and downs my way of getting myself acquainted wih the highs and lows that time will bring..
balance if only that was my thing then the mind wouldnt always debate..
or was tryin to attain d balance the only mistake coz change doesnt happen when we want it..even the time of change is decided by certain other things..well how it seems easier to affect others life more than our own..o wot an irony..wot a life..reminds me of these lines
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts"

so be it.... but wots the harm in tryin to change..changin not necessarily for d good or bad..may be for more bad than good..o god is it jus that rebellious instinct takin over me again..where when alls good..i wanna create chaos and bring about change jus for the sake of change...talk about mind playin truant..ah..!..so be it..!!

why??? what to do??? and why??

wot to do......keep goin ahead or move back and also never ever look back..or move on now and come back later..or will i be allowed to come back later..
i'm good...absolutely good...then why carry on..the baggage from the past and open old wounds or worse create new ones..some people are not worth trustin..or may be they can be trusted for good and bad things but not the worst things....so wots life?wots love?
love..is it jus havin a good time..or making a good friend..knowin someone or letting ur guard down and letting them know u..
is it about all ups and downs or all ups or all downs..wots the right time to call it off?whats the right reason to call it off?
do we decide the the reasons or does somebody else?
do circumstances play d role?or is it all the game of time...does time decide or u or me or is it all pre decided to make us learn and move on.?
if u move on..then will i also move on..and if i move on then will u also move on.?
whats moving on..?becomin a different person..or becomin more clearly urself?
how did u affect me ?and how did i affect u..?
lol..why do u remember things which i want to forget.?
why do u tell me things which i'd given up anything to hear back then but u tell me all this now wen im least bothered about knowing them..then y do u still concern me?
why do u still hold me hostage?
why don u let me go?
why?
even now its like u want something completely different from wot i want..i wanna talk and so do u..the quality and quantity of conversation wanted are different for both of us..
when u ask me to give up past and i act like wot am now..u don want me say things the way i say it now..and when i talk about past u don't want to open old wounds...
why is it that we think about the same things but in entirely different ways..
why is it that we're both passionate and about the same things and in v different ways..
are u like me or are u not?
what are u hiding and why?
why do i have to hide things which i want u to know?
why?

lol...why is it that the things i loved then, i cant stand now..why?
why do u have to control and lay down terms when u claim to be the patron of individuality..?
why do i have to give up things ...anything at all.?
what is it.?
conflict of egos or conflict of interests?
if...i wont but even if i let my ego go..will u let urs go...i know u wont..then why would i..lol i wont..
why wouldn't u know that u had a part to play in wot happened to me..and that u shud have been there..but if u were there then ..then will i still be wot i am...would i have learnt the lessons that i think i did..
what happened to all those lessons..was not trusting u again and being immune and remaining unaffected by ur presence the foundation of all those lessons?
then why are we still in touch and like u said not able to disconnect and not able to let go.
what i gather out of all this is that both of us have moved on and let go..let go of each other but not how we made each other feel..
i wanted to be friends..i told u that...
but u said that u cant be friends coz that wud mean giving up on the feelings that i perhaps brought out in u...givin up on those bful feelings..lol..and thats the best part..i want to be friends but like u said u cant be..then that leaves me with no option...
i was urs once and u let it go...let me go..and now when im back...want to be back as a friend ..u dont want to let go..dont want to let go of those feelings which were there not bcoz i was a friend..
so u have let me go...but not those feelings..
i cant take away from u wot is rightfully yours..
happy to know that i affect u...unhappy to know that u cant be friends..happy to know the reason bcoz of which u cant be friends..
i can be friends...perhaps it'll be difficult coz of the reasons u quoted but im tired of feeling.feeling for u..i wont ..i cant say i don't..but i wont..i wont allow myself to fall again...fall for u again..

and the words are not enough

I couldn't not write about him..and i couldn't ever describe him in words.
one person.. perhaps the only one I've met and loved and cherished and not lost...and truly loved..no word begins to describe a relationship i share with him..words just fail to describe the simply beautiful things in life..the myriad..incalculable riches he brings to my routine life
we were friends..are friends and I'd always want it to be..till the end of time..
my teacher of sociology and history..my limited knowledge of football and English music.....lol..my only social competitor..my guiding angel..a patient listener..the only spectator to the the oceans of tears i have dropped..the single soul who turned to me wen i was low..or i turned to first when i was high...so detached yet so intimate...a look of the eye...a sarcy joke..those attempts at makin me stronger..the gentle yet firm "no" at the right time..the correct amount of pampering...that "jus being there"...that security i never knew existed...that boundless love...the secrets we share..the feelin of "i know u know how i feel"...that inability to hide the true motives..those million lessons of how to face the world..that sudden roughness...the endless fights....those sleepless nights...the way we talked...the indestructible faith..my infallible support....the biggest pride...my deepest regret...my heart's content...that ruffling of hair which solves the hardest puzzle...god's way of making up for all the showered grief...............those debates when we know we agree...those agreements wen we know its jus truce....the one n only ncc...The benson lights..the ratings on n on..the palm readin spree..the tarot cards..the meetin n the separation are all jus part of wot we have...no one will ever come close to being where you are..the only person i'll make a compromise for and not feel a thing..i dint know wot ex couples meant by "i'll be happy for you" until i met you..no matter wot..no matter how..i'll be there and happy for you..there jus cant be enough wood to touch..not enough blessings to give..not enough praises to sing...nothin..words..how could they come close to describing it...and it's not a feelin..not a image..not a delusion..no hallucination...no wish or no expectation..u make it all true..its all a fact..may u live a life happier than one ever did .Amen.

back and forth and round and round

Its a recent occurrence and the transition is still underway..its being thought about..or i hope it is..
I'm sure this one will be edited sooner than later..its more for me..actually only for me..but i want to write it nevertheless..
lol..it reminds me of the Jeniffer Paige song.."it's just a Lil crush..not like i faint every time we touch."
wish it was that simple..I'm afraid now it isn't.
i had a crush...not Lil..for me the matters of the hearts are never Lil..
so well i did have a crush..and then it took a backseat in my mind for a while to come..lots of things happened between that time and this
..Now just as i was starting to be happy being the cynic,beginning to believe in "relationships and love are bullshit" phrase..actually not love..Love's never bullshit..never..!so just as i was happy believing relationships are overrated ,god or d devil(yet to find that out which one..transition underway remember)decided to bring in "fate"...and i finally admit(crap how much i hate it.) that not everything is in my hands..that i wasn't the best choice for the cynic's role.

so well the god or devil or fate or what the f**k ever brought the crush guy back to the center stage..and it turns out..he's not the crush material..not the fling material either..ahem ..he might jus have been the only guy ,who (for good or bad and for reasons beyond mine and everybody else's comprehension )could have pulled me out of my cynical phase and made me remember the faded definition of love i swore by...pure n innocent n inexplicable and spontaneous and meant to be....n so on..

i don't know about him..but Ive most definitely fallen in love with love again..and whatever might happen in future i thank him(or may be not) for bringing out the "me" in me..!

a beautiful beginning-a catastrophic end and the rise of the phoenix

Contradiction only begins to describe my expression when i talk about it..a nostalgic smile for the most beautiful thing i ever experienced and the wetness in the eyes...the reason of which is even beyond me...it might be because i have never known worse pain or can a part of me still not believe its over?
I remember him..may be a little too clearly for my own comfort..i remember everything..
the first series of random words ..the irritable chatter..the laugh..the hypnotism..the first time i blushed.(or the first time i knew i did)...!
one thing led to another and we got into a relationship..effortless..hypnotic...divine..beautiful..simple and touching..
it just happened..that's wot i still want to believe..it just happens..no tricks of the trade..no plans..no pick up lines..no lust..no ego..no hassles..perfect..meant to be..
and then after 2 years ..one mistake.(.im sure I'd made that one before..till then i hadn't learnt how to learn from my mistakes...still haven't) and we weren't "We" anymore..
Now for the first time i knew how a heartbreak felt..how much it mattered..how much i got used to it..how nothing seemed to matter for a long time to come..18 months to be exact just passed without feeling anything except pain..longing..suffering..yes it felt like a big deal then..still does..at the age of 18 i was clinically depressed..and yes the narcissist that i am i have to tell you guys that i am not all that big a "loser"...i cleared my law entrance during that time..and the first step towards the new beginning was taken.

its my turn now

the first time i write as i think ...may be coz i am finally tired of talking..
where has it got me..all the talkin..i am either right or wrong..good or bad..or may be i am not..i am not a choice..
i am human..hello people..u can see that right?
may be i am not wise enough or not "matured" enough to realize that things happen and will continue to happen even when i do my best and put my best foot forward ..people come and they go..
its been two and a half yrs in pune and all's been well...sometimes when things are good we just dont think about thanking god and we dont..but bad times make us do that and they also in a very unnatural way make us do things we always wanted to do but never got the time to do or we get back to doing things alone coz thats the way to be...i have come to believe in it now more than ever..men are born alone and they die alone..and the intermediate phase is just lived or spent staying alive..or trying to stay alive..
im not pessimistic if thats wot u think..not depressed..not right now anyway..happy but driftin..it does feel different to be just a choice..a flipside of a coin..a mere side of a coin..people think that the person who flips the coin is having his destiny decided by the coin but its quite the other way round..atleast he flipped the coin..atleast his actions will be his own..and what about the coin..oh no sorry just a side of the coin..nope am still not sad..glad the person is not using a dice..

yes it ended there the first time i wrote it but now i edit..and there are additions..
so..also..u know its a lil retarded to let yourself be in a position of one side of the coin after knowing that you are "it"..the tiny coin's second side..yes second means tails..dont we all prefer heads..and being the part of it only by accident than by choice by a complicated mesh of intermingled fates wanting to break loose..how much worse does it get..??ding dong..but there's never lack of choice..what the hell happned to "free will"..omg i forgot..by fate "i" was being used..so be it..prices u pay..big or small yet a price to pay for the beautiful flowery imagethat u carry in ur head..the world is too calculative to let u be in sweet surrender and plan things in ur bful head..and before u know..voila..here u are..being the victim to the fancy ways that the universe devised to shatter inncocent dreams and hopes that have no right to live..anywhere except the head..the more beautiful the dreams..and the more innocent..the more venomous the worlds will be against them bcoz of their jealousy towards the beauty of it coz somethings in life are not nefarious..not ugly and not cruel..not in d head atleast..but it was the fools paradise you were livin in when u let them out in d open to be dreanched in d muddy waters where there are many a scorpions waitin rather pryin to poison them..kill them if they can..men waitin to spit and walk over dreams of others coz their own never got fulfilled.

may be its not..may be its not wot it all means..but how it seems..even lord ravana made mistakes..hitler did..im just an ordinary human being..who talks.. who thinks and worst of all who feels...sour loser so to say..who cares?really?at the end of the day wen it comes down to it..its only when scores are even and day turns into a long moonless night that the time moves on..