i have the makings of a controversial writer to b sure.
only glad that i wasnt born in an islamic country or they would issued a fatwa against me for sure.
these dates,fancy as they are,don ever go down well wid me...new years eve..valentines n blah..
why am i expected to b goin for a party to a club or where-d-hell-ever or settle for that awww-its-ok..hope u do sumthin fun from everyone..
dude am happy not goin anywhere..happy not getting drunk and dancing my feet off..
really..its jus another day..n well..hilarious as the belief is..i am not goin to continue doin for d whole yr wot i hpapen to b doin at 12...wot if i ws using the loo...i'll b stuck der for the whole yr..really now?c'mon..!!:)
n neway i'm wid my family,n pretty happy about it..n thats all tht matters...
it does get a tad bit depressin thou when d whole world is out goin mad n i'm sober..but lol.god..the world has its competetion goin even der..spare the celebrations atleast..i went to balas party..sum did..sum would lie that they did..its jus soo beyond me..wot's the pt..havin fun...or pretendin u had fun..or claimin u went sumwhere where u dint..or jus tht.."i spent more than u"...wannab-ishness really has no limits.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
my BUTTERFLY award
as i lay indifferent to my blog,thinkin myself busy wid d tit-bits of life,
i find d perfect encouragement needed for me to blog-on..
thankyou rohit,its an honour indeed.
and if you dint give this one to me,you for sure would have been one person on my mind who i'd give this to.
now i shall find another worthy blogger.
and let that be shoban
so this one's for arayans.wordpress.com
but since he's deleted his blog i nominate now,
gabrielspeakz.blogspot.com and recommend that blog to all my readers
Monday, October 27, 2008
the mind wo(A)nders
i dunno whether its a writers block or is it my inability to describe true emotions in words,
do i not have d courage to give an intricately bitter and hateful description of sumthing that is conservatively considered sacred.
why r sumthings jus presented to us in a way which leaves us with no option but to accept them and respect them.
the institution of marriage,the importance of family and the issue of a single sexual partner are topics that you'd rather not debate against ,when in India or if u do then be prepared to be condemned.. to be looked down upon like u were a filthy alien who was castin doom
u can't n u shouldn't debate the "sanctity"..of such things in d interest of ur own mental peace ..plus topics like these are so close to ones heart that its no use discussin them in d public domain and gettin them analyzed(uselessly) and criticized(unhealthily)by ppl who are fortunate enough to not have faced such dilemmas in life
there r somethings that u can neither live with nor live without
is it such a sin after all,to try n not succeed in getting along with family?
is it such a sin to think about another person when ur love's not around?
is it such a sin to not want to marry?
is it such a sin as to consider marriage futile yet live with the person u love?
is there anythin at all which could be wrong for one n all,does human mind n body not differ at all when is respect of these "universal guidelines"or these "facts" which are hardwired in us from d moment we are born..are we never to question d basis of these "divine principles"..are we to marry if we are born..is marriage the only sacred bond..is love not enough?
do i not have d courage to give an intricately bitter and hateful description of sumthing that is conservatively considered sacred.
why r sumthings jus presented to us in a way which leaves us with no option but to accept them and respect them.
the institution of marriage,the importance of family and the issue of a single sexual partner are topics that you'd rather not debate against ,when in India or if u do then be prepared to be condemned.. to be looked down upon like u were a filthy alien who was castin doom
u can't n u shouldn't debate the "sanctity"..of such things in d interest of ur own mental peace ..plus topics like these are so close to ones heart that its no use discussin them in d public domain and gettin them analyzed(uselessly) and criticized(unhealthily)by ppl who are fortunate enough to not have faced such dilemmas in life
there r somethings that u can neither live with nor live without
is it such a sin after all,to try n not succeed in getting along with family?
is it such a sin to think about another person when ur love's not around?
is it such a sin to not want to marry?
is it such a sin as to consider marriage futile yet live with the person u love?
is there anythin at all which could be wrong for one n all,does human mind n body not differ at all when is respect of these "universal guidelines"or these "facts" which are hardwired in us from d moment we are born..are we never to question d basis of these "divine principles"..are we to marry if we are born..is marriage the only sacred bond..is love not enough?
Friday, October 17, 2008
time's passing by
sometimes,too soon in life,we realize that the past was past,and the future is too near
the mere reflection of the fact that i'm growing up hits hard like fallin with a thud.
i've held on for too long,to the joys of childhood and the reckless dedication to some lost cause.
how doing that dint cost much then,how precious every moment has now become.
how now,every move's to be calculated with the tickin hands of the clock
how wastin time would mean a wasted life in times to come,how with growin up,time becomes more important and how its importance highlights the lack of it.how i now will pay for every wrong turn,how i no longer will be excused for being immatured.
how there are things to be done,and taken care of,how i need to be more independant,how people lose their value ,how morality becomes relative,how experiences lead to a broader vision and how life now has to take a definite course,how there are purposes to be served
i think i'm growing up.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
signing off
i have now a pocket full of sunshine..
don care how cliched or corny this sounds..
I'm, at the end of the day ,a girl..:)
the spiral crisscross roads, seem to now, know their destination
the omens are all good
my life, that lay in transition, now seems to be in safe hands.
and I'm almost sure about where I'm headed n with whom.
with all the prayers n blessings tucked safely in..
I'm now on a new path ..where there will b Lil use for negativity n old bitter posts ,though they make me wot i am, and are sumthings I've learnt a lot from, so my old blog stays right here for all of you who read it and for me, so tht i have a written account of the memory lane tht lead to this bful dawn.
When now i move on in life,move on from things that are old and I'd rather forget (but i choose not to forget) .I grow (hopefully) n i move on to a new life awaiting me ..a new place and a new era in my life
so the beginning of this will b marked by my new blog "youjustwontknow" on wordpress.com , coz i now decide that whenever i can identify a new breakthrough in life and an end of an old era i shall start a new blog so tht at d end of day my life is written in my words and separated in phases though my blogs.
Hope some of u who read this will now continue readin wot i have to write on my new blog .
I welcome all comments,compliments and criticisms .
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
them THE people...
..it ws the airport dhaba N the food took ages to cum but it ws worth it.. the chicken tasted lik chicken n not lik a variety of other things we'd imagined it could be..pig..beef..dog..n wot not..
from then on, till we reached the campus, we were awestruck by d sheer natural beauty of the place
under d bridge we met wid a not-so-big accident which cud have been extremely bad so we(the girls) were scared out of our smellin salts for sumtime..the accident also exposed us to the generally hostile nature of the ppl n the way the local guys looked at us made it obvious tht they werent often exposed to many girls n v decide we were finally temporarily dependant on our male counterparts for our safety..which ws quite amusin coz tht made em finally treat us lik women ..yea...finally..the chivalrous side of them ws exposed or rather forced upon em..n dint we make good use of it..:)
we finally reached the iit campus..were alloted our hostels..which to our surprise were quite comfortable n cozy n thank heavnes the bathrooms were clean n we were not to worry abpout catchin urinary tract infections..lol..sorry for the not tso humble details..but what the hell it ws a major relief ..!!
was fun being the best most popular n also the most notorious n "nefarious n scandalzin contingent on the campus n wot seemed to be the nerdies of iit truned out to b quite interestin to our pleasant surprise ..
the horror was when we realised none of our prepaid phones were workin n tht we'll be at the mercy of paid booths if any..
never thought iitians cud b so cool
..the first day of the debate was rather depressin as i was put as a trainee while the other adjudicator on d team was put as the chair..a lil discussion n clarification about the criteria of judgin got me on d panel after debate 3 n then the soul rested in peace..
after tht judgin debates was lik a passion..
dunno how neone cud ever doubt us of bein biased but ok thts i think part n parcel of the deal..
the accomodation ws classy as compared to the nomadic treatment we are provided at other iit fests...guess the first time around its always good..the people were more than warm n helpful..
interestin conversations with a couple of them ws wot we looked forward to...
there were vibes on d campus acc to sum..!!
very very unexpectedly,sum faces became v familair by the end of day 3 n were searched for in an audiotoriun full of ppl...so v disturbingly a couple of faces were added to the things tht wud create nostalgia at the end of the trip n it wud not only b the jungles n the lakes n hills n mosquitoes tht wud b missed
...!
from then on, till we reached the campus, we were awestruck by d sheer natural beauty of the place
under d bridge we met wid a not-so-big accident which cud have been extremely bad so we(the girls) were scared out of our smellin salts for sumtime..the accident also exposed us to the generally hostile nature of the ppl n the way the local guys looked at us made it obvious tht they werent often exposed to many girls n v decide we were finally temporarily dependant on our male counterparts for our safety..which ws quite amusin coz tht made em finally treat us lik women ..yea...finally..the chivalrous side of them ws exposed or rather forced upon em..n dint we make good use of it..:)
we finally reached the iit campus..were alloted our hostels..which to our surprise were quite comfortable n cozy n thank heavnes the bathrooms were clean n we were not to worry abpout catchin urinary tract infections..lol..sorry for the not tso humble details..but what the hell it ws a major relief ..!!
was fun being the best most popular n also the most notorious n "nefarious n scandalzin contingent on the campus n wot seemed to be the nerdies of iit truned out to b quite interestin to our pleasant surprise ..
the horror was when we realised none of our prepaid phones were workin n tht we'll be at the mercy of paid booths if any..
never thought iitians cud b so cool
..the first day of the debate was rather depressin as i was put as a trainee while the other adjudicator on d team was put as the chair..a lil discussion n clarification about the criteria of judgin got me on d panel after debate 3 n then the soul rested in peace..
after tht judgin debates was lik a passion..
dunno how neone cud ever doubt us of bein biased but ok thts i think part n parcel of the deal..
the accomodation ws classy as compared to the nomadic treatment we are provided at other iit fests...guess the first time around its always good..the people were more than warm n helpful..
interestin conversations with a couple of them ws wot we looked forward to...
there were vibes on d campus acc to sum..!!
very very unexpectedly,sum faces became v familair by the end of day 3 n were searched for in an audiotoriun full of ppl...so v disturbingly a couple of faces were added to the things tht wud create nostalgia at the end of the trip n it wud not only b the jungles n the lakes n hills n mosquitoes tht wud b missed
...!
Monday, August 25, 2008
i tag u..:)
the following people have been TAGGED by "moi"..n u guys better do it..:)
1.bikram
2.suraj
3.rohit
biggest joy at the moment
biggest insecurity at the moment
one thing u could undo if given an option
5 things life taught u the hard way
5 ppl who make life kickass(except ur family members obviously)
what are the qualities u imagine in ur "dream guy/girl")
one thing u wanna tell the world in general..
Friday, August 22, 2008
tagged...myself..lol
Last movie seen in theatre: dark knight(second time)...awwwsome..heath ledger is god.devil or wotever..he rules.
Book being read: none..im in an intellectually deprived stage o life
Favourite Board Game: monopoly,chess
Favourite magazine: reader's digest,vogue
Favourite smells: the smell of mud after the rain,of diesel perfume,of the way a baby smells after a bath,of freshy washed hair,of incense sticks,of mom..
Favourite sounds: of cow bells,of my anklets,of temple bells,of a yezdi doodhwala bike horn,of the newspaper being thrown outide,of the namaaz..o its hypnotic..of a baby's chuckle..of mom cribbing when im pretendin to sleep..of utensils when moms cookin
What is the first thing you think when you wake up: i pout..
Worst feeling in the world: of betrayal,of having being honest and told ur not trusted
Favourite fast food place: MC Donalds
Future child's name: aara..means somethin cool in some lang
Finish this statement, “If I had a lot of money I’d..dream about wot to do..
Do you drive fast? o yeaa
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal..yeeks no
Storms- cool or scary? cool...
Do you eat the stems on broccoli? yea..
If you could dye your hair any colour, what would be your choice? copper
All towns/cities you have lived in jaipur and pune..n bombay n delhi..n well specify d duration dude
Favourite Sport to watch: its loosely to watch sports..well 20-20 is ok
One nice thing about the person who sent this to you ..nobody sent it..lol
What’s under your bed? ..things that were on the bed b4 i slept
Would you like to be born as yourself again? ..nope..
Morning person or night owl? ...owls dad/mom
Over easy or sunny side up? ...wtf does it mean
Favourite place to relax: any shady night jt
Favourite pie: ..none
Favourite Ice Cream:5 buck orange candy
Book being read: none..im in an intellectually deprived stage o life
Favourite Board Game: monopoly,chess
Favourite magazine: reader's digest,vogue
Favourite smells: the smell of mud after the rain,of diesel perfume,of the way a baby smells after a bath,of freshy washed hair,of incense sticks,of mom..
Favourite sounds: of cow bells,of my anklets,of temple bells,of a yezdi doodhwala bike horn,of the newspaper being thrown outide,of the namaaz..o its hypnotic..of a baby's chuckle..of mom cribbing when im pretendin to sleep..of utensils when moms cookin
What is the first thing you think when you wake up: i pout..
Worst feeling in the world: of betrayal,of having being honest and told ur not trusted
Favourite fast food place: MC Donalds
Future child's name: aara..means somethin cool in some lang
Finish this statement, “If I had a lot of money I’d..dream about wot to do..
Do you drive fast? o yeaa
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal..yeeks no
Storms- cool or scary? cool...
Do you eat the stems on broccoli? yea..
If you could dye your hair any colour, what would be your choice? copper
All towns/cities you have lived in jaipur and pune..n bombay n delhi..n well specify d duration dude
Favourite Sport to watch: its loosely to watch sports..well 20-20 is ok
One nice thing about the person who sent this to you ..nobody sent it..lol
What’s under your bed? ..things that were on the bed b4 i slept
Would you like to be born as yourself again? ..nope..
Morning person or night owl? ...owls dad/mom
Over easy or sunny side up? ...wtf does it mean
Favourite place to relax: any shady night jt
Favourite pie: ..none
Favourite Ice Cream:5 buck orange candy
my latest encounter with GOD
this is one of those writings which comprises of the remnants of the thoughts that crossed my mind while riding at a jeopardous speed on the Pune-Mumbai Expressway, riding
with a friend whom i can trust with my life, a friend who i would lose or withhold with the way the conversation turned out at the end of this chancy long ride
one o those lil things which mean a world and the memories of which last a lifetime
one of those supernatural experiences (a bike ride at a precarious speed,an adrenaline rush..love..passion..trust..conflict..devotion...wanting..craving..desire..hope and all o this combined with the sensation of rough cold wind brushing past(bruising ur face,tangling ur hair..teasing u..leaving u feelin tired..n wantin. )
u find urself prayin..n living for the moment and lettin go
this is a vague feeling,uneartly,divine..one of those moments where u can feel the presence of god around you,near you and inside you,a feeling of being blessed..
and a vague conversation where you communicate with the other person through words (spoken and unspkoen),through touch,through eyes,through vibes,through instinct,through that divine prsence
and u feel an aura around you,a halo that only the two of u can see.
when ur entranced by this conversation and the nearness with that person andthat darkness of the night is when god makes his 'blink n miss' appearance,its in this state of enchantment that u can say u felt the presence of god around u ..and blinked jus when u thought u saw him..that's when u know ur blessed by the presence of that person in ur life,and u are in love with that feeling,that bliss
one o those lil things which mean a world and the memories of which last a lifetime
one of those supernatural experiences (a bike ride at a precarious speed,an adrenaline rush..love..passion..trust..conflict..devotion...wanting..craving..desire..hope and all o this combined with the sensation of rough cold wind brushing past(bruising ur face,tangling ur hair..teasing u..leaving u feelin tired..n wantin. )
u find urself prayin..n living for the moment and lettin go
this is a vague feeling,uneartly,divine..one of those moments where u can feel the presence of god around you,near you and inside you,a feeling of being blessed..
and a vague conversation where you communicate with the other person through words (spoken and unspkoen),through touch,through eyes,through vibes,through instinct,through that divine prsence
and u feel an aura around you,a halo that only the two of u can see.
when ur entranced by this conversation and the nearness with that person andthat darkness of the night is when god makes his 'blink n miss' appearance,its in this state of enchantment that u can say u felt the presence of god around u ..and blinked jus when u thought u saw him..that's when u know ur blessed by the presence of that person in ur life,and u are in love with that feeling,that bliss
the air smells of roses again,the world has not lost all its beauty..the remote strand of green is still a hope in a vast endless desert....problems still evaporate with the whiff of fresh air...conversations still lead to retained and renewed friendship...
meet.silence.dope.love.pause.where do u wanna go?anywhere..ride.ccd..nope..ride till u ask me to stop.temple.purity.fresh air..cold wind brushin past my face,bruising it,past my hair,tanglin it,i lean forward.rest.lean back.distance...hope..punishment.redemption.
a belief in purity..an imagination
children playin in d fields...meadows..cow bells..randomly strewn modern buildings in the middle of the most rustic settin..a contradiction called India..where the racing bike,cycle rickshaw and bullock cart all stop at the same traffic signal..the slums runnin parallel to the skyscrapers..where one wears gucci and another a lungi..i hate it,feel bad,pity it..o how i love it...my land ..my country..the roads covered time by cow dung and mud..washed by the first monsoon rain..the smell of earth after the rain..the children...rich n poor...
we can feel all the selflessness which is the opposite of hate,and lust and greed and manipulation which is the opposite of love..(this is major plagiarism at work..lol)
...this was one of those soul stirring moments where u know all's not lost,that love still makes the world go around ,a hope in purity,in love,in beauty...an encounter with god..
...this was one of those soul stirring moments where u know all's not lost,that love still makes the world go around ,a hope in purity,in love,in beauty...an encounter with god..
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
TAGGED
5 things you wish you could say to people. (Don't take names)
u creep me out..i think ur jus the sickest human alive,if at all ur human..whats with the attitude seriously ..wot d hell is wrong with u..ur quite ugly and not so social ..definitely not liked and admired by many..i was probably nicer to u than anyone ever was or would be..i finally realise u suck and well that u never did deserve me..:)
ur my best friend,i really did love u and kinda regret breakin up..i know that we could never be together forever but dating u or even gettin to know u was one of the best things that ever happened to me
lol..im no"rebound girl"..i think ur jus plain retarded and need to get a life..
im sorry for all the things i said,i was jus angry, and i expected too much out of u at a very early stage of knowin u..
i think ur quite nice but u were jus bringing back some bad memories plus yes i think i did deserve a lot more attention..wish u were a lil more proactive.!!..sigh
u bitch,i pity u..seriously do..i introduced u to my first bf,u planned our breakup and started datin him..thats was ok..coz that loser n u deserved each other..
then my next bf..who was my first so called love..u introduced her to one of ur slimy friends who was ready to act as a rebound...u also made her lie to him about me..what on earth is ur prob..u need a psychiatrist ..lol..
u creep me out..i think ur jus the sickest human alive,if at all ur human..whats with the attitude seriously ..wot d hell is wrong with u..ur quite ugly and not so social ..definitely not liked and admired by many..i was probably nicer to u than anyone ever was or would be..i finally realise u suck and well that u never did deserve me..:)
ur my best friend,i really did love u and kinda regret breakin up..i know that we could never be together forever but dating u or even gettin to know u was one of the best things that ever happened to me
lol..im no"rebound girl"..i think ur jus plain retarded and need to get a life..
im sorry for all the things i said,i was jus angry, and i expected too much out of u at a very early stage of knowin u..
i think ur quite nice but u were jus bringing back some bad memories plus yes i think i did deserve a lot more attention..wish u were a lil more proactive.!!..sigh
u bitch,i pity u..seriously do..i introduced u to my first bf,u planned our breakup and started datin him..thats was ok..coz that loser n u deserved each other..
then my next bf..who was my first so called love..u introduced her to one of ur slimy friends who was ready to act as a rebound...u also made her lie to him about me..what on earth is ur prob..u need a psychiatrist ..lol..
o life
a throbbing headache,a dizzying sensation is d result of crying long hours,chain smokin and self imposed starvation..an emotional melodrama is what describes the state of events..i cant even believe its true..
eliminating a not so bad guy from my life,another fight with a looser ex bf..lil fights with all friends and the inability to explain d transition in words..
but i know all's not lost and tomm's is another day..
my health is not irrevocably bad,my family is one of the best..some friends are still as imp and true and precious as ever..belief in my professional abilities and faith in something supernatural keeps me going..
as much as i wanna disappear and change somethings..i know i had a part to play in wot's going on..refuse to blame others..refuse to succumb to the pressure..i know ive dealt with worse things..i know its jus a passing phase..i refuse to give in..im not fightin but im not losin this battle either..i refuse to let this change me..my ideals and my principles that i believe in..i thank d stars for havin friends who speak the language of my heart..i know i can turn evil,can manipulate and take advantage..but i like looking in the mirror without facin guilt and shame..i cant do things lik tht..im holdin on to the goodness with all my strength..i'd rather go for long term peace than short term sadistic pleasure..i know it'll be a rocky lane but wot d heck..we'll see..coz its only after the night is darkest that dawn finally arrives..
eliminating a not so bad guy from my life,another fight with a looser ex bf..lil fights with all friends and the inability to explain d transition in words..
but i know all's not lost and tomm's is another day..
my health is not irrevocably bad,my family is one of the best..some friends are still as imp and true and precious as ever..belief in my professional abilities and faith in something supernatural keeps me going..
as much as i wanna disappear and change somethings..i know i had a part to play in wot's going on..refuse to blame others..refuse to succumb to the pressure..i know ive dealt with worse things..i know its jus a passing phase..i refuse to give in..im not fightin but im not losin this battle either..i refuse to let this change me..my ideals and my principles that i believe in..i thank d stars for havin friends who speak the language of my heart..i know i can turn evil,can manipulate and take advantage..but i like looking in the mirror without facin guilt and shame..i cant do things lik tht..im holdin on to the goodness with all my strength..i'd rather go for long term peace than short term sadistic pleasure..i know it'll be a rocky lane but wot d heck..we'll see..coz its only after the night is darkest that dawn finally arrives..
Monday, August 18, 2008
one of those lil things
i stepped inside the auto from one side,and she from the other
she jus stepped back down when i settled inside..and right before that her eyes met mine..
those beautiful eyes jus saddened instantly..it was one of those old faces that still showed childlike emotions.the disappointment was so obvious in her eyes..
she was one old woman,definitely not v well off.
i guessed that the auto guy had volunteered to drop her at her place free of cost n that's when i entered..she stepped back without a word. coz it was obvious that he'd prefer me over her,coz i'd pay..
i volunteered to drop her where she had to go...she stepped inside again..then the auto guy said that place was 6 kms away...so she stepped out again..
she left without a word..but that childlike innocence at her age,was somethin that stayed with me,how easily she had shown that disappointment and smiled as if it was her fate..i did feel bad,for a second or two ,before i went on to do what i had to
she jus stepped back down when i settled inside..and right before that her eyes met mine..
those beautiful eyes jus saddened instantly..it was one of those old faces that still showed childlike emotions.the disappointment was so obvious in her eyes..
she was one old woman,definitely not v well off.
i guessed that the auto guy had volunteered to drop her at her place free of cost n that's when i entered..she stepped back without a word. coz it was obvious that he'd prefer me over her,coz i'd pay..
i volunteered to drop her where she had to go...she stepped inside again..then the auto guy said that place was 6 kms away...so she stepped out again..
she left without a word..but that childlike innocence at her age,was somethin that stayed with me,how easily she had shown that disappointment and smiled as if it was her fate..i did feel bad,for a second or two ,before i went on to do what i had to
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
boredom kills
yes,it's an interesting and understated facet of life.
Fun,pleasure,pain,love,betrayal are all well read about and widely acknowledged topics but wot about boredom?? Since im bored enough to write about it right now,i hope i'll be able to do justice to this rather crucial topic.
Boredom occurs when u've nothin to do and when's there's nothin ur looking forward to..
u wake up in d mornin..ur not happy,not sad,have no plans...so wot do u think about?
its a rather unpleasant 'state of mind'..its an idle mind,which as we all know can create havoc if not treated in time..
ur so bored that its an overwhelming feelin.Ur hungry and sleepy but boredom is perhaps the only feeling(if i may refer to it as a feelin)that can b more overwhelming than the 2 basic instincts of hunger and sleep.Ur so bored that the first thing in d morning that u do is to go through ur call list to find people that u might make plans with..not that u don have friends,but uve been feelin particularly choosy off late n decide to narrow down ur socialisin options to 2/3 people who are fun and at the same time intellectually stimulating..now thats a tough call..
so u call them while ur feelin guilty ,jobless,insecured and again bored all at the same time..so in a mesh of those complicated feelings u call up someone, hopin against hopes, that they will cheer u up or make a plan and then u'll find temporary solace in their esteemed company..yes,boredom makes u place those chosen 2/3 people on a pedestal that they might/might not deserve..
so well the plan's made but with certain underlined conditions which include meetin at a certain place and for a certain time. when u call someone in such circumstances and they agree to meet u on specified conditions,u feel lik a dog who's barking to get his masters attention so that he can go pee...how much worse does it get..!...wish u were a dog so that u could jus pee on their 100 dollar carpet to make them realise their mistake of not givin u attention at the right time..so yea well u feel worse than a dog who wants to pee....coz there's nothin that ur peein on d carpet is goin to prove to the person concerned.
u agree to meet them on their terms and conditions and feel happy and find that temporary solace,but the feelings of human dignity seem to vanish.So even this temporary solace is tainted with the feeling of being ultra helpless and jobless.by now uve had enough..not that pedestal persona better show u a REALLY good time..lol...but NO...boredom and bad luck go hand in hand..the plan's cancelled..!!...awwww...
u feel suicidal or murderous when the pedestal guy/girl decides to cancel the plan that u were looking forward to for the whole of last week...what do u do then??...(pee..no shutup thats not an option..thats for dogs)...u call em up to say really mean things..(but in temporary phases of sanity u decide against it coz well although that pedestal guy is makin u feel worse than a dog but still its not him to blame..not entirely..theres the rain..esp the pune rain..that starts only when ur all dressed up and ready to make a move towards that temporary solace...'the rain god in pune is definitely sadistic in nature'.).. to hell with sanity..u decide to call up the person who cancelled d plan and shout at him and say all nasty shit which u might/might not mean..and they obviously don take it well coz they cant comprehend the reason of ur overreaction to begin with..But wot reason can u give them neway .?...i barked at u lik a rabid dog coz u called off the plan i was looking forward to for 7 long days and that makes me feel lik shit coz i suck at boredom management....yea so wot..its not as stupid as it sounds..if people can have anger management issues..if they can have ego hassles..they why cant i have boredom management issues..i do..and i accept it..im sorry..
i know i lost u coz i had those issues..but would it be more justified if it was plain mad anger or ego...no it woulDnt be..atleast in my case i like u..i placed u on that pedestal and i looked forward to ur plan for 7 days..and u called it off...coz of the rain or ur mood or whatever other contingency...don let rain god/devil do this to us...!...it might sound funny..but yes ive lost a friend a two coz of this..what d heck...so wot if i get bored..i still remain choosy and choose to hang out only with those pedestal ppl...now those pedestal ppl have to adjust to this seemingly inhuman or trivial issue of my boredom..c'mon...understand if u can..
but boredom can kill..it leads to anger,helplessness,worthlessness,and all o that stuff..take it seriously...!...and well ..forgive me for being bored and holdin u responsible..i wish was a dog..they don even lose their master for peein on that carpet..sigh..
Fun,pleasure,pain,love,betrayal are all well read about and widely acknowledged topics but wot about boredom?? Since im bored enough to write about it right now,i hope i'll be able to do justice to this rather crucial topic.
Boredom occurs when u've nothin to do and when's there's nothin ur looking forward to..
u wake up in d mornin..ur not happy,not sad,have no plans...so wot do u think about?
its a rather unpleasant 'state of mind'..its an idle mind,which as we all know can create havoc if not treated in time..
ur so bored that its an overwhelming feelin.Ur hungry and sleepy but boredom is perhaps the only feeling(if i may refer to it as a feelin)that can b more overwhelming than the 2 basic instincts of hunger and sleep.Ur so bored that the first thing in d morning that u do is to go through ur call list to find people that u might make plans with..not that u don have friends,but uve been feelin particularly choosy off late n decide to narrow down ur socialisin options to 2/3 people who are fun and at the same time intellectually stimulating..now thats a tough call..
so u call them while ur feelin guilty ,jobless,insecured and again bored all at the same time..so in a mesh of those complicated feelings u call up someone, hopin against hopes, that they will cheer u up or make a plan and then u'll find temporary solace in their esteemed company..yes,boredom makes u place those chosen 2/3 people on a pedestal that they might/might not deserve..
so well the plan's made but with certain underlined conditions which include meetin at a certain place and for a certain time. when u call someone in such circumstances and they agree to meet u on specified conditions,u feel lik a dog who's barking to get his masters attention so that he can go pee...how much worse does it get..!...wish u were a dog so that u could jus pee on their 100 dollar carpet to make them realise their mistake of not givin u attention at the right time..so yea well u feel worse than a dog who wants to pee....coz there's nothin that ur peein on d carpet is goin to prove to the person concerned.
u agree to meet them on their terms and conditions and feel happy and find that temporary solace,but the feelings of human dignity seem to vanish.So even this temporary solace is tainted with the feeling of being ultra helpless and jobless.by now uve had enough..not that pedestal persona better show u a REALLY good time..lol...but NO...boredom and bad luck go hand in hand..the plan's cancelled..!!...awwww...
u feel suicidal or murderous when the pedestal guy/girl decides to cancel the plan that u were looking forward to for the whole of last week...what do u do then??...(pee..no shutup thats not an option..thats for dogs)...u call em up to say really mean things..(but in temporary phases of sanity u decide against it coz well although that pedestal guy is makin u feel worse than a dog but still its not him to blame..not entirely..theres the rain..esp the pune rain..that starts only when ur all dressed up and ready to make a move towards that temporary solace...'the rain god in pune is definitely sadistic in nature'.).. to hell with sanity..u decide to call up the person who cancelled d plan and shout at him and say all nasty shit which u might/might not mean..and they obviously don take it well coz they cant comprehend the reason of ur overreaction to begin with..But wot reason can u give them neway .?...i barked at u lik a rabid dog coz u called off the plan i was looking forward to for 7 long days and that makes me feel lik shit coz i suck at boredom management....yea so wot..its not as stupid as it sounds..if people can have anger management issues..if they can have ego hassles..they why cant i have boredom management issues..i do..and i accept it..im sorry..
i know i lost u coz i had those issues..but would it be more justified if it was plain mad anger or ego...no it woulDnt be..atleast in my case i like u..i placed u on that pedestal and i looked forward to ur plan for 7 days..and u called it off...coz of the rain or ur mood or whatever other contingency...don let rain god/devil do this to us...!...it might sound funny..but yes ive lost a friend a two coz of this..what d heck...so wot if i get bored..i still remain choosy and choose to hang out only with those pedestal ppl...now those pedestal ppl have to adjust to this seemingly inhuman or trivial issue of my boredom..c'mon...understand if u can..
but boredom can kill..it leads to anger,helplessness,worthlessness,and all o that stuff..take it seriously...!...and well ..forgive me for being bored and holdin u responsible..i wish was a dog..they don even lose their master for peein on that carpet..sigh..
Friday, August 8, 2008
hold this gaze,let thy eyes conquer my heart
fond tears,blind me not yet! a little longer
let my sad eyes a little longer gaze
and leave their last beams here.
even been so hurt ..that you couldn't cry?
and then met someone whose eyes seem to hide more tears,and heart more pain?
and jus a look into those eyes made you wanna breakdown?
let my sad eyes a little longer gaze
and leave their last beams here.
even been so hurt ..that you couldn't cry?
and then met someone whose eyes seem to hide more tears,and heart more pain?
and jus a look into those eyes made you wanna breakdown?
Monday, August 4, 2008
My brother from another mother
this blog is my way of tellin my friends how much they matter to me coz im really bad at expressing such corny feelings in words
..so well there's this guy I've known ever since I've come to Pune..he's one stuck up moron at first sight..he's nice and all but still stuck up..like really difficult to talk to ...for eg. lol if u go to mocha and he imagines u are uncomfortable then he'll try and make u comfortable by sayin things lik "basically this is a v chilled out place"..now who does such things..like really..!!!
he'll be there for u....always..and i mean always(go away man..)...
if ur lucky and he likes ur "core" then well he'll be there...the word loyalty might have been invented to describe that trait of his..
whether its money or conveyance or convenience or anything for that matter...u can jus leave it to him..
he'll give u good advice free of cost(even if u dont ask for it)..make ur life better in whichever way he can..
sometimes when i look back at the time spent in Pune and think of people who have mattered ..there's always his mention..but much lesser than it ought to be..he'll mostly be the guy in d background ..
if i dint have an elder brother,i would wish for one lik him.he's wot i call, my brother from another mother.
no matter how many times i tell him that his wife will commit suicide (lol) i've come to realize and i have to confess that his chic will be the luckiest chic ever born...!!
well obviously i'll also be jealous coz i'll get lesser attention..heheh..i know that wont happen..or i wont let it happen..
i remem times when I've been extremely unreasonable and have wanted to go for a bike ride..and he's been the one to take me for a ride when no one else did..jus coz i wanted to go..
i remem gettin high..holdin his hand like a lil girl and sulking and throwing as many tantrums as i could coz he was leavin me and goin somewhere else..
i remem all the times when he rode to all the 24*7 joints in town at 3 in d morning in the rain jus coz i happened to mention i hadn't had food...
i remem him takin me to the doc..every single time ive fallen ill in pune..
i remem him takin over the role of my mom..dad..brother..best friend..guardian..everything as and when it was required..
i remem blindly dialing his no..whenever i had the slightest problem..n i cant remem a single time he wasnt there.
i hate him..really do coz he makes fun of all the relationshipS i've had in life
.i love him for examining and cross examining all the guys ive liked or even been friends with ..lol(they're not chintus or henpecked okieee)l.. im sure all of em hate him...!!..hehhe..he's made sure they were worth me or i was safe around em and given them signals like"if u mess around with her then well u'll have ur bones broken"..well it suits me just fine coz this guy puts all my prospective bfs through an acid test and well if a guy likes me then he'll have to clear this acid test coz this guy's consent and approval would be paramount to me.
he's listened to me say the same things again and again..he's tried to get to know me and my silly lil ego and my stupid lil insecurities..
he waits in ncc at 7 15 in d morning jus to provide incentive for me to go to college.
its unbelievable how i trust him enough to sit with him on d bike even after he's consumed all the intoxicants known to mankind
There were times when i got to see his faults..his shortcomings..even in those times i trusted him..and respected him but wot changed was that i finally saw imperfections in my ever perfect friend and i started likin him even more..i saw how he handled his many problems..all of which happened at the same time..the chic prob..the friends backin off..the health probs..the fights..everything..i saw how he dealt with those problems..i realized he was stronger than i thought..stronger than most poeple i know..i realized how strong his values and principles are..
he's one of the best things that ever happened to me..and this town feels like home coz he's around
well deserved testimonials lik this cant ever fit in 1024 characters so this one's just for him..and im sure there'll be lots more on him so this is to be contd...!!
..so well there's this guy I've known ever since I've come to Pune..he's one stuck up moron at first sight..he's nice and all but still stuck up..like really difficult to talk to ...for eg. lol if u go to mocha and he imagines u are uncomfortable then he'll try and make u comfortable by sayin things lik "basically this is a v chilled out place"..now who does such things..like really..!!!
he'll be there for u....always..and i mean always(go away man..)...
if ur lucky and he likes ur "core" then well he'll be there...the word loyalty might have been invented to describe that trait of his..
whether its money or conveyance or convenience or anything for that matter...u can jus leave it to him..
he'll give u good advice free of cost(even if u dont ask for it)..make ur life better in whichever way he can..
sometimes when i look back at the time spent in Pune and think of people who have mattered ..there's always his mention..but much lesser than it ought to be..he'll mostly be the guy in d background ..
if i dint have an elder brother,i would wish for one lik him.he's wot i call, my brother from another mother.
no matter how many times i tell him that his wife will commit suicide (lol) i've come to realize and i have to confess that his chic will be the luckiest chic ever born...!!
well obviously i'll also be jealous coz i'll get lesser attention..heheh..i know that wont happen..or i wont let it happen..
i remem times when I've been extremely unreasonable and have wanted to go for a bike ride..and he's been the one to take me for a ride when no one else did..jus coz i wanted to go..
i remem gettin high..holdin his hand like a lil girl and sulking and throwing as many tantrums as i could coz he was leavin me and goin somewhere else..
i remem all the times when he rode to all the 24*7 joints in town at 3 in d morning in the rain jus coz i happened to mention i hadn't had food...
i remem him takin me to the doc..every single time ive fallen ill in pune..
i remem him takin over the role of my mom..dad..brother..best friend..guardian..everything as and when it was required..
i remem blindly dialing his no..whenever i had the slightest problem..n i cant remem a single time he wasnt there.
i hate him..really do coz he makes fun of all the relationshipS i've had in life
.i love him for examining and cross examining all the guys ive liked or even been friends with ..lol(they're not chintus or henpecked okieee)l.. im sure all of em hate him...!!..hehhe..he's made sure they were worth me or i was safe around em and given them signals like"if u mess around with her then well u'll have ur bones broken"..well it suits me just fine coz this guy puts all my prospective bfs through an acid test and well if a guy likes me then he'll have to clear this acid test coz this guy's consent and approval would be paramount to me.
he's listened to me say the same things again and again..he's tried to get to know me and my silly lil ego and my stupid lil insecurities..
he waits in ncc at 7 15 in d morning jus to provide incentive for me to go to college.
its unbelievable how i trust him enough to sit with him on d bike even after he's consumed all the intoxicants known to mankind
There were times when i got to see his faults..his shortcomings..even in those times i trusted him..and respected him but wot changed was that i finally saw imperfections in my ever perfect friend and i started likin him even more..i saw how he handled his many problems..all of which happened at the same time..the chic prob..the friends backin off..the health probs..the fights..everything..i saw how he dealt with those problems..i realized he was stronger than i thought..stronger than most poeple i know..i realized how strong his values and principles are..
he's one of the best things that ever happened to me..and this town feels like home coz he's aroundwell deserved testimonials lik this cant ever fit in 1024 characters so this one's just for him..and im sure there'll be lots more on him so this is to be contd...!!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
unadulterated innocence
o how the earth smells after the first monsoon shower..
how the eye opens at the sound of the morning namaaz
or when i wake up coz of the first rays of light shimmerin on my face
when a nightmare ends by mom caressing my forehead
when mom unexpectedly comes and gives a bear hug
when i smile at a baby and he pouts back
when im teasin my infant cousin and playin with her..she suddenly decides to pee on my new skirt
when an old forgotten friend randomly decides to call up
when our hands brush against each other and i get goosebumps
when im on d first bench and u on d last and i turn around to find u lookin at me
when you put an arm around my chair in d canteen and it makes me blush
when i find myself compulsively blabbering about u
when after 10 days of ego fights my brother comes and hesitantly asks me if i wanna play cricket
how when we get together and recount those pranks...how for once we got together and planned on how to clear the pieces of the broken TV screen and shared a secret instead of playing the blame game
how i remember u lookin funnier than a clown after breaking ur molars that made a v shape in your teeth that made ur smile look a 1000 times more adorable
how after every year i tie a rakhi on ur wrist and mom's eyes well up with tears..
how u get pissed if ur rakhi is not bigger, better and more expensive than the rakhis bought for cousins
when on rare occasions dad supports my pt of view over yours..
how dad carried me everywhere on his shoulders when i was small
how when i was 5 i jus cried and hid behind usha ma'ams dupatta on her farewell day
how friends eatin my tiffin made me happy coz they said mom cooked amazing food
how i'd ride at full speed and feel ecstatic about covering 3 kms in 3 mins
how i finally learnt how to ride the very day dad said i couldn't learn
how my cousin and i were best friends..how she'd tell me i liked too many guys
how we'd deck up to go for a 15 min drive in that hip part of town
how i'd keep tellin her that her boyfriend was the hottest guy i ever met..how i played cupid all the time...
how i hated when my grandma's old ancestral bungalow was dismantled and turned into a modern lookin house..
how i can jus now in my mind imagine those verandas where we played and fought and patched up and grew up..how we longed for vacations to go to that house with dozens of cousins and uncles and aunts and that variety of pickles ..those evening teas...that senior cousins v juniors cousins rivalry ..those eavesdroppin sessions on elders pvt conversations..that makin phone calls to each other from adjacent rooms
how things that never seemed to last long...how moments that seem to jus pass by later come back and make the most beautiful memories that warm up the heart.
frozen in fear
Letting go of somethin that i always wanted
security scares me
and love even more
i have lived with battles of the mind and
incessant fights with the cruel world
now when am free and found myself
am scared of peace
of losing it
wasn't ever this submerged in the ragin storms ,then why does silence seem to drown all hopes?
while fightin i got so immersed in it that i forgot wot i was fighting for
wen the goal is in sight why do i turn back to the roads left behind
lost in transit ive stopped movin on
no road seems to be the one to take
when finally sanity is right there
why doesnt madness give up on me
whats with immobility
why cant i move
why is the freedom so stifling
why do i yearn for the binding chains
why does the evil seem less frightening than the good i searched for
why's the last step to the glory the one that seems the longest
why wouldn't time be kind to me and
why wouldn't weightlessness carry me to the safe abode
i made the ceaseless journey on my own then why seek support at the last stop
why wouldnt the goal move jus one step to prove that its not been futile and all this way i was moving in the right direction
o why wouldn't light and faith find me
and carry me to that bful dream while i want to now fall fast asleep
security scares me
and love even more
i have lived with battles of the mind and
incessant fights with the cruel world
now when am free and found myself
am scared of peace
of losing it
wasn't ever this submerged in the ragin storms ,then why does silence seem to drown all hopes?
while fightin i got so immersed in it that i forgot wot i was fighting for
wen the goal is in sight why do i turn back to the roads left behind
lost in transit ive stopped movin on
no road seems to be the one to take
when finally sanity is right there
why doesnt madness give up on me
whats with immobility
why cant i move
why is the freedom so stifling
why do i yearn for the binding chains
why does the evil seem less frightening than the good i searched for
why's the last step to the glory the one that seems the longest
why wouldn't time be kind to me and
why wouldn't weightlessness carry me to the safe abode
i made the ceaseless journey on my own then why seek support at the last stop
why wouldnt the goal move jus one step to prove that its not been futile and all this way i was moving in the right direction
o why wouldn't light and faith find me
and carry me to that bful dream while i want to now fall fast asleep
a small desire
hold me and not let go
hide me from the pain that seems to encompass all that's around
guide me through these dark tunnels
lead me out of the chaos that i created
don listen to me
don let me shy away
don fall for my pretenses
look beyond the disguise
i havent been hiding much
showin the darker sides so u know wots in store
don make me pay for being scared
hiding behind the strong veil
i hope u can see through complete darkness
that a light so faint waits for u
Saturday, July 26, 2008
those strangers we thought we knew..!
There are times when u meet perfect strangers(from d opp sex) and find them being enormously similar to u and then the conversations almost always end in
day 1 "hey we have the same taste in music" .(followed by a hug)
day 1 "hey we have the same taste in music" .(followed by a hug)
day 2 "hey we have the same taste in books". (followed by a raised eyebrow look of admiration and approval)
day 3 " hey our opinions are also the same on most subjects".(After that statement comes a long gaze tht transforms into a crush) ..
o thank god the crush thing came in..i was beginning to feel u were twins who got separated in some kumbh mela, while your conversation on day 4 ended with the most important discovery that the two of you also have similar backgrounds( ur mind SCREAMIN hurrayY!! Now we can think marriage..lol)..(I say most likely the family backgrounds are similar bcoz we Indians have this amazin habit of sayin," o wow..!!..my family or my background is exactly the same as yours ! "....In wot sense the background is similar could vary from the caste being d same.. the native place being the same to the no. of family members being the same..the educational status or the financial status being the same...that's why most likely!..considering a million standards of judging similarity I'm sure we're all part of one big family.)
BUT could u jus be finding similarities to justify that instant chemistry?
after spending a considerable amount of time with them u realise u weren't that similar after all or may be the similarities jus dint matter that much..the interests are all still similar or same..choice of books..the music..the shows and the movies and the fact that both of u admire similar qualities in people.... but now the DIFFERENCES which are definitely smaller but finer and also more important begin to make their presence felt..(and that feels like a big deal coz its accompanied by lesser reasons to hug or hold hands or hold a gaze and lesser emotional and physical proximity gives a lot of time to the empty idol mind to imagine a disaster or a major mistake of misjudging someone) .. and here comes the blame game..
they told u they liked a mess..but they dint tell u they dislilked or detested anything unclean.
they might love watching movies but prefer moot research to movies..
they told u they loved being with friends but dint tell u they jus loved privacy or spending time with family a lil more
they might admire the same qualities in people that u do but for reasons entirely different from ur own.
after realising these differences or more importantly after realising that they are not so similar to you after all..what do u do?
stop being friends?start hating them?think it was a mistake?don't think about it at all?compromise?create a big mess so that they compromise?keep believing they'll finally start being like u?
or may be u just create or accept the inevitable distance that arises out of this realisation and don lose the trust and respect that u had for them coz at the end of the day u don't go and meet people and make friends on the condition that they'll all be ur alter egos in some way or the other..
u did like them..spend time with them.. so don't regret and don't lose faith in your choices and your actions and don't lose respect for them.
respect individuality and don expect them to understand you and your mental process let alone act and react to similar situations in a way u do
affection..lust....fun...companionship..chemistry..and even friendship and love can almost always last forever and be recreated in almost no time if only the foundation was built of faith in your actions and unwavering and undulating respect for them as individuals
aha..!so my mind's doin it again..
o yea i did it...i did push u away...know things wouldn't be the same but i did warn u...honesty lol thats my policy and u did get the point of me wanting to drive u away....
so why dint u stop me?
why couldnt u stop me?
why would u not want to stop me ??or is it wot u also wanted in d first place?
its not ego..oh wot a misunderstanding..wot a shame to let something so potentially beautiful jus go away lik this .....o was this also meant to be one of those brief stints?
o why?why would you not know wot i meant and how i felt or how i jus wanted to feel
was easy for u to say that i like being hurt...not sayin i dont or may be i do want to get hurt coz i know now that its foolish to expect such joy n pleasure without expectin or feelin pain
so why wait?
inflict it upon urself and then move on to feel the happy things coz those are things u pay for..i jus choose to pay first
am i takin too much in my hands?? would pain come back and haunt me even though i did pay first??
is it jus a childs nightmare or do all good things actually begin and end in pain?
tryin to stay at d fulcrum and not swing back and forth..avoidin d highs and lows coz both i cant stand..or may be the attraction to extremes makes me create my own..there are highs and lows which are created by time and some of them are created by self?? coz i do like extremes or are my self created ups and downs my way of getting myself acquainted wih the highs and lows that time will bring..
balance if only that was my thing then the mind wouldnt always debate..
or was tryin to attain d balance the only mistake coz change doesnt happen when we want it..even the time of change is decided by certain other things..well how it seems easier to affect others life more than our own..o wot an irony..wot a life..reminds me of these lines
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts"
so be it.... but wots the harm in tryin to change..changin not necessarily for d good or bad..may be for more bad than good..o god is it jus that rebellious instinct takin over me again..where when alls good..i wanna create chaos and bring about change jus for the sake of change...talk about mind playin truant..ah..!..so be it..!!
so why dint u stop me?
why couldnt u stop me?
why would u not want to stop me ??or is it wot u also wanted in d first place?
its not ego..oh wot a misunderstanding..wot a shame to let something so potentially beautiful jus go away lik this .....o was this also meant to be one of those brief stints?
o why?why would you not know wot i meant and how i felt or how i jus wanted to feel
was easy for u to say that i like being hurt...not sayin i dont or may be i do want to get hurt coz i know now that its foolish to expect such joy n pleasure without expectin or feelin pain
so why wait?
inflict it upon urself and then move on to feel the happy things coz those are things u pay for..i jus choose to pay first
am i takin too much in my hands?? would pain come back and haunt me even though i did pay first??
is it jus a childs nightmare or do all good things actually begin and end in pain?
tryin to stay at d fulcrum and not swing back and forth..avoidin d highs and lows coz both i cant stand..or may be the attraction to extremes makes me create my own..there are highs and lows which are created by time and some of them are created by self?? coz i do like extremes or are my self created ups and downs my way of getting myself acquainted wih the highs and lows that time will bring..
balance if only that was my thing then the mind wouldnt always debate..
or was tryin to attain d balance the only mistake coz change doesnt happen when we want it..even the time of change is decided by certain other things..well how it seems easier to affect others life more than our own..o wot an irony..wot a life..reminds me of these lines
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts"
so be it.... but wots the harm in tryin to change..changin not necessarily for d good or bad..may be for more bad than good..o god is it jus that rebellious instinct takin over me again..where when alls good..i wanna create chaos and bring about change jus for the sake of change...talk about mind playin truant..ah..!..so be it..!!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
why??? what to do??? and why??
wot to do......keep goin ahead or move back and also never ever look back..or move on now and come back later..or will i be allowed to come back later..
i'm good...absolutely good...then why carry on..the baggage from the past and open old wounds or worse create new ones..some people are not worth trustin..or may be they can be trusted for good and bad things but not the worst things....so wots life?wots love?
love..is it jus havin a good time..or making a good friend..knowin someone or letting ur guard down and letting them know u..
is it about all ups and downs or all ups or all downs..wots the right time to call it off?whats the right reason to call it off?
do we decide the the reasons or does somebody else?
do circumstances play d role?or is it all the game of time...does time decide or u or me or is it all pre decided to make us learn and move on.?
if u move on..then will i also move on..and if i move on then will u also move on.?
whats moving on..?becomin a different person..or becomin more clearly urself?
how did u affect me ?and how did i affect u..?
lol..why do u remember things which i want to forget.?
why do u tell me things which i'd given up anything to hear back then but u tell me all this now wen im least bothered about knowing them..then y do u still concern me?
why do u still hold me hostage?
why don u let me go?
why?
even now its like u want something completely different from wot i want..i wanna talk and so do u..the quality and quantity of conversation wanted are different for both of us..
when u ask me to give up past and i act like wot am now..u don want me say things the way i say it now..and when i talk about past u don't want to open old wounds...
why is it that we think about the same things but in entirely different ways..
why is it that we're both passionate and about the same things and in v different ways..
are u like me or are u not?
what are u hiding and why?
why do i have to hide things which i want u to know?
why?
lol...why is it that the things i loved then, i cant stand now..why?
why do u have to control and lay down terms when u claim to be the patron of individuality..?
why do i have to give up things ...anything at all.?
what is it.?
conflict of egos or conflict of interests?
if...i wont but even if i let my ego go..will u let urs go...i know u wont..then why would i..lol i wont..
why wouldn't u know that u had a part to play in wot happened to me..and that u shud have been there..but if u were there then ..then will i still be wot i am...would i have learnt the lessons that i think i did..
what happened to all those lessons..was not trusting u again and being immune and remaining unaffected by ur presence the foundation of all those lessons?
then why are we still in touch and like u said not able to disconnect and not able to let go.
what i gather out of all this is that both of us have moved on and let go..let go of each other but not how we made each other feel..
i wanted to be friends..i told u that...
but u said that u cant be friends coz that wud mean giving up on the feelings that i perhaps brought out in u...givin up on those bful feelings..lol..and thats the best part..i want to be friends but like u said u cant be..then that leaves me with no option...
i was urs once and u let it go...let me go..and now when im back...want to be back as a friend ..u dont want to let go..dont want to let go of those feelings which were there not bcoz i was a friend..
so u have let me go...but not those feelings..
i cant take away from u wot is rightfully yours..
happy to know that i affect u...unhappy to know that u cant be friends..happy to know the reason bcoz of which u cant be friends..
i can be friends...perhaps it'll be difficult coz of the reasons u quoted but im tired of feeling.feeling for u..i wont ..i cant say i don't..but i wont..i wont allow myself to fall again...fall for u again..
i'm good...absolutely good...then why carry on..the baggage from the past and open old wounds or worse create new ones..some people are not worth trustin..or may be they can be trusted for good and bad things but not the worst things....so wots life?wots love?
love..is it jus havin a good time..or making a good friend..knowin someone or letting ur guard down and letting them know u..
is it about all ups and downs or all ups or all downs..wots the right time to call it off?whats the right reason to call it off?
do we decide the the reasons or does somebody else?
do circumstances play d role?or is it all the game of time...does time decide or u or me or is it all pre decided to make us learn and move on.?
if u move on..then will i also move on..and if i move on then will u also move on.?
whats moving on..?becomin a different person..or becomin more clearly urself?
how did u affect me ?and how did i affect u..?
lol..why do u remember things which i want to forget.?
why do u tell me things which i'd given up anything to hear back then but u tell me all this now wen im least bothered about knowing them..then y do u still concern me?
why do u still hold me hostage?
why don u let me go?
why?
even now its like u want something completely different from wot i want..i wanna talk and so do u..the quality and quantity of conversation wanted are different for both of us..
when u ask me to give up past and i act like wot am now..u don want me say things the way i say it now..and when i talk about past u don't want to open old wounds...
why is it that we think about the same things but in entirely different ways..
why is it that we're both passionate and about the same things and in v different ways..
are u like me or are u not?
what are u hiding and why?
why do i have to hide things which i want u to know?
why?
lol...why is it that the things i loved then, i cant stand now..why?
why do u have to control and lay down terms when u claim to be the patron of individuality..?
why do i have to give up things ...anything at all.?
what is it.?
conflict of egos or conflict of interests?
if...i wont but even if i let my ego go..will u let urs go...i know u wont..then why would i..lol i wont..
why wouldn't u know that u had a part to play in wot happened to me..and that u shud have been there..but if u were there then ..then will i still be wot i am...would i have learnt the lessons that i think i did..
what happened to all those lessons..was not trusting u again and being immune and remaining unaffected by ur presence the foundation of all those lessons?
then why are we still in touch and like u said not able to disconnect and not able to let go.
what i gather out of all this is that both of us have moved on and let go..let go of each other but not how we made each other feel..
i wanted to be friends..i told u that...
but u said that u cant be friends coz that wud mean giving up on the feelings that i perhaps brought out in u...givin up on those bful feelings..lol..and thats the best part..i want to be friends but like u said u cant be..then that leaves me with no option...
i was urs once and u let it go...let me go..and now when im back...want to be back as a friend ..u dont want to let go..dont want to let go of those feelings which were there not bcoz i was a friend..
so u have let me go...but not those feelings..
i cant take away from u wot is rightfully yours..
happy to know that i affect u...unhappy to know that u cant be friends..happy to know the reason bcoz of which u cant be friends..
i can be friends...perhaps it'll be difficult coz of the reasons u quoted but im tired of feeling.feeling for u..i wont ..i cant say i don't..but i wont..i wont allow myself to fall again...fall for u again..
Friday, July 11, 2008
and the words are not enough
I couldn't not write about him..and i couldn't ever describe him in words.
one person.. perhaps the only one I've met and loved and cherished and not lost...and truly loved..no word begins to describe a relationship i share with him..words just fail to describe the simply beautiful things in life..the myriad..incalculable riches he brings to my routine life
we were friends..are friends and I'd always want it to be..till the end of time..
my teacher of sociology and history..my limited knowledge of football and English music.....lol..my only social competitor..my guiding angel..a patient listener..the only spectator to the the oceans of tears i have dropped..the single soul who turned to me wen i was low..or i turned to first when i was high...so detached yet so intimate...a look of the eye...a sarcy joke..those attempts at makin me stronger..the gentle yet firm "no" at the right time..the correct amount of pampering...that "jus being there"...that security i never knew existed...that boundless love...the secrets we share..the feelin of "i know u know how i feel"...that inability to hide the true motives..those million lessons of how to face the world..that sudden roughness...the endless fights....those sleepless nights...the way we talked...the indestructible faith..my infallible support....the biggest pride...my deepest regret...my heart's content...that ruffling of hair which solves the hardest puzzle...god's way of making up for all the showered grief...............those debates when we know we agree...those agreements wen we know its jus truce....the one n only ncc...The benson lights..the ratings on n on..the palm readin spree..the tarot cards..the meetin n the separation are all jus part of wot we have...no one will ever come close to being where you are..the only person i'll make a compromise for and not feel a thing..i dint know wot ex couples meant by "i'll be happy for you" until i met you..no matter wot..no matter how..i'll be there and happy for you..there jus cant be enough wood to touch..not enough blessings to give..not enough praises to sing...nothin..words..how could they come close to describing it...and it's not a feelin..not a image..not a delusion..no hallucination...no wish or no expectation..u make it all true..its all a fact..may u live a life happier than one ever did .Amen.
one person.. perhaps the only one I've met and loved and cherished and not lost...and truly loved..no word begins to describe a relationship i share with him..words just fail to describe the simply beautiful things in life..the myriad..incalculable riches he brings to my routine life
we were friends..are friends and I'd always want it to be..till the end of time..
my teacher of sociology and history..my limited knowledge of football and English music.....lol..my only social competitor..my guiding angel..a patient listener..the only spectator to the the oceans of tears i have dropped..the single soul who turned to me wen i was low..or i turned to first when i was high...so detached yet so intimate...a look of the eye...a sarcy joke..those attempts at makin me stronger..the gentle yet firm "no" at the right time..the correct amount of pampering...that "jus being there"...that security i never knew existed...that boundless love...the secrets we share..the feelin of "i know u know how i feel"...that inability to hide the true motives..those million lessons of how to face the world..that sudden roughness...the endless fights....those sleepless nights...the way we talked...the indestructible faith..my infallible support....the biggest pride...my deepest regret...my heart's content...that ruffling of hair which solves the hardest puzzle...god's way of making up for all the showered grief...............those debates when we know we agree...those agreements wen we know its jus truce....the one n only ncc...The benson lights..the ratings on n on..the palm readin spree..the tarot cards..the meetin n the separation are all jus part of wot we have...no one will ever come close to being where you are..the only person i'll make a compromise for and not feel a thing..i dint know wot ex couples meant by "i'll be happy for you" until i met you..no matter wot..no matter how..i'll be there and happy for you..there jus cant be enough wood to touch..not enough blessings to give..not enough praises to sing...nothin..words..how could they come close to describing it...and it's not a feelin..not a image..not a delusion..no hallucination...no wish or no expectation..u make it all true..its all a fact..may u live a life happier than one ever did .Amen.
back and forth and round and round
Its a recent occurrence and the transition is still underway..its being thought about..or i hope it is..
I'm sure this one will be edited sooner than later..its more for me..actually only for me..but i want to write it nevertheless..
lol..it reminds me of the Jeniffer Paige song.."it's just a Lil crush..not like i faint every time we touch."
wish it was that simple..I'm afraid now it isn't.
i had a crush...not Lil..for me the matters of the hearts are never Lil..
so well i did have a crush..and then it took a backseat in my mind for a while to come..lots of things happened between that time and this
..Now just as i was starting to be happy being the cynic,beginning to believe in "relationships and love are bullshit" phrase..actually not love..Love's never bullshit..never..!so just as i was happy believing relationships are overrated ,god or d devil(yet to find that out which one..transition underway remember)decided to bring in "fate"...and i finally admit(crap how much i hate it.) that not everything is in my hands..that i wasn't the best choice for the cynic's role.
i don't know about him..but Ive most definitely fallen in love with love again..and whatever might happen in future i thank him(or may be not) for bringing out the "me" in me..!
I'm sure this one will be edited sooner than later..its more for me..actually only for me..but i want to write it nevertheless..
lol..it reminds me of the Jeniffer Paige song.."it's just a Lil crush..not like i faint every time we touch."
wish it was that simple..I'm afraid now it isn't.
i had a crush...not Lil..for me the matters of the hearts are never Lil..
so well i did have a crush..and then it took a backseat in my mind for a while to come..lots of things happened between that time and this
..Now just as i was starting to be happy being the cynic,beginning to believe in "relationships and love are bullshit" phrase..actually not love..Love's never bullshit..never..!so just as i was happy believing relationships are overrated ,god or d devil(yet to find that out which one..transition underway remember)decided to bring in "fate"...and i finally admit(crap how much i hate it.) that not everything is in my hands..that i wasn't the best choice for the cynic's role.
so well the god or devil or fate or what the f**k ever brought the crush guy back to the center stage..and it turns out..he's not the crush material..not the fling material either..ahem ..he might jus have been the only guy ,who (for good or bad and for reasons beyond mine and everybody else's comprehension )could have pulled me out of my cynical phase and made me remember the faded definition of love i swore by...pure n innocent n inexplicable and spontaneous and meant to be....n so on..
i don't know about him..but Ive most definitely fallen in love with love again..and whatever might happen in future i thank him(or may be not) for bringing out the "me" in me..!
a beautiful beginning-a catastrophic end and the rise of the phoenix
Contradiction only begins to describe my expression when i talk about it..a nostalgic smile for the most beautiful thing i ever experienced and the wetness in the eyes...the reason of which is even beyond me...it might be because i have never known worse pain or can a part of me still not believe its over?
I remember him..may be a little too clearly for my own comfort..i remember everything..
the first series of random words ..the irritable chatter..the laugh..the hypnotism..the first time i blushed.(or the first time i knew i did)...!
one thing led to another and we got into a relationship..effortless..hypnotic...divine..beautiful..simple and touching..
it just happened..that's wot i still want to believe..it just happens..no tricks of the trade..no plans..no pick up lines..no lust..no ego..no hassles..perfect..meant to be..
and then after 2 years ..one mistake.(.im sure I'd made that one before..till then i hadn't learnt how to learn from my mistakes...still haven't) and we weren't "We" anymore..
Now for the first time i knew how a heartbreak felt..how much it mattered..how much i got used to it..how nothing seemed to matter for a long time to come..18 months to be exact just passed without feeling anything except pain..longing..suffering..yes it felt like a big deal then..still does..at the age of 18 i was clinically depressed..and yes the narcissist that i am i have to tell you guys that i am not all that big a "loser"...i cleared my law entrance during that time..and the first step towards the new beginning was taken.
I remember him..may be a little too clearly for my own comfort..i remember everything..
the first series of random words ..the irritable chatter..the laugh..the hypnotism..the first time i blushed.(or the first time i knew i did)...!
one thing led to another and we got into a relationship..effortless..hypnotic...divine..beautiful..simple and touching..
it just happened..that's wot i still want to believe..it just happens..no tricks of the trade..no plans..no pick up lines..no lust..no ego..no hassles..perfect..meant to be..
and then after 2 years ..one mistake.(.im sure I'd made that one before..till then i hadn't learnt how to learn from my mistakes...still haven't) and we weren't "We" anymore..
Now for the first time i knew how a heartbreak felt..how much it mattered..how much i got used to it..how nothing seemed to matter for a long time to come..18 months to be exact just passed without feeling anything except pain..longing..suffering..yes it felt like a big deal then..still does..at the age of 18 i was clinically depressed..and yes the narcissist that i am i have to tell you guys that i am not all that big a "loser"...i cleared my law entrance during that time..and the first step towards the new beginning was taken.
its my turn now
the first time i write as i think ...may be coz i am finally tired of talking..
where has it got me..all the talkin..i am either right or wrong..good or bad..or may be i am not..i am not a choice..
i am human..hello people..u can see that right?
may be i am not wise enough or not "matured" enough to realize that things happen and will continue to happen even when i do my best and put my best foot forward ..people come and they go..
its been two and a half yrs in pune and all's been well...sometimes when things are good we just dont think about thanking god and we dont..but bad times make us do that and they also in a very unnatural way make us do things we always wanted to do but never got the time to do or we get back to doing things alone coz thats the way to be...i have come to believe in it now more than ever..men are born alone and they die alone..and the intermediate phase is just lived or spent staying alive..or trying to stay alive..
im not pessimistic if thats wot u think..not depressed..not right now anyway..happy but driftin..it does feel different to be just a choice..a flipside of a coin..a mere side of a coin..people think that the person who flips the coin is having his destiny decided by the coin but its quite the other way round..atleast he flipped the coin..atleast his actions will be his own..and what about the coin..oh no sorry just a side of the coin..nope am still not sad..glad the person is not using a dice..
yes it ended there the first time i wrote it but now i edit..and there are additions..
so..also..u know its a lil retarded to let yourself be in a position of one side of the coin after knowing that you are "it"..the tiny coin's second side..yes second means tails..dont we all prefer heads..and being the part of it only by accident than by choice by a complicated mesh of intermingled fates wanting to break loose..how much worse does it get..??ding dong..but there's never lack of choice..what the hell happned to "free will"..omg i forgot..by fate "i" was being used..so be it..prices u pay..big or small yet a price to pay for the beautiful flowery imagethat u carry in ur head..the world is too calculative to let u be in sweet surrender and plan things in ur bful head..and before u know..voila..here u are..being the victim to the fancy ways that the universe devised to shatter inncocent dreams and hopes that have no right to live..anywhere except the head..the more beautiful the dreams..and the more innocent..the more venomous the worlds will be against them bcoz of their jealousy towards the beauty of it coz somethings in life are not nefarious..not ugly and not cruel..not in d head atleast..but it was the fools paradise you were livin in when u let them out in d open to be dreanched in d muddy waters where there are many a scorpions waitin rather pryin to poison them..kill them if they can..men waitin to spit and walk over dreams of others coz their own never got fulfilled.
may be its not..may be its not wot it all means..but how it seems..even lord ravana made mistakes..hitler did..im just an ordinary human being..who talks.. who thinks and worst of all who feels...sour loser so to say..who cares?really?at the end of the day wen it comes down to it..its only when scores are even and day turns into a long moonless night that the time moves on..
where has it got me..all the talkin..i am either right or wrong..good or bad..or may be i am not..i am not a choice..
i am human..hello people..u can see that right?
may be i am not wise enough or not "matured" enough to realize that things happen and will continue to happen even when i do my best and put my best foot forward ..people come and they go..
its been two and a half yrs in pune and all's been well...sometimes when things are good we just dont think about thanking god and we dont..but bad times make us do that and they also in a very unnatural way make us do things we always wanted to do but never got the time to do or we get back to doing things alone coz thats the way to be...i have come to believe in it now more than ever..men are born alone and they die alone..and the intermediate phase is just lived or spent staying alive..or trying to stay alive..
im not pessimistic if thats wot u think..not depressed..not right now anyway..happy but driftin..it does feel different to be just a choice..a flipside of a coin..a mere side of a coin..people think that the person who flips the coin is having his destiny decided by the coin but its quite the other way round..atleast he flipped the coin..atleast his actions will be his own..and what about the coin..oh no sorry just a side of the coin..nope am still not sad..glad the person is not using a dice..
yes it ended there the first time i wrote it but now i edit..and there are additions..
so..also..u know its a lil retarded to let yourself be in a position of one side of the coin after knowing that you are "it"..the tiny coin's second side..yes second means tails..dont we all prefer heads..and being the part of it only by accident than by choice by a complicated mesh of intermingled fates wanting to break loose..how much worse does it get..??ding dong..but there's never lack of choice..what the hell happned to "free will"..omg i forgot..by fate "i" was being used..so be it..prices u pay..big or small yet a price to pay for the beautiful flowery imagethat u carry in ur head..the world is too calculative to let u be in sweet surrender and plan things in ur bful head..and before u know..voila..here u are..being the victim to the fancy ways that the universe devised to shatter inncocent dreams and hopes that have no right to live..anywhere except the head..the more beautiful the dreams..and the more innocent..the more venomous the worlds will be against them bcoz of their jealousy towards the beauty of it coz somethings in life are not nefarious..not ugly and not cruel..not in d head atleast..but it was the fools paradise you were livin in when u let them out in d open to be dreanched in d muddy waters where there are many a scorpions waitin rather pryin to poison them..kill them if they can..men waitin to spit and walk over dreams of others coz their own never got fulfilled.
may be its not..may be its not wot it all means..but how it seems..even lord ravana made mistakes..hitler did..im just an ordinary human being..who talks.. who thinks and worst of all who feels...sour loser so to say..who cares?really?at the end of the day wen it comes down to it..its only when scores are even and day turns into a long moonless night that the time moves on..
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